Zoro and Sanji Go Drinking
by TheSponsor
Summary: Just some drunken conversations about Sleeping Beauty and the Seven Dwarves and, of course, who was really behind Humpty Dumpty's death? Are were-wolves real? What's a bunyip?
1. Folklore

**My brother and I were watching One Piece, and Zoro and Sanji were semi-unconscious and groaning. They looked hungover, and a simple idea came into my head.**

**Things in bold are author's notes and have nothing to do with the story (or lack there of).**

* * *

><p><span>Zoro and Sanji Go Drinking<span>

Folklore

(Please read the following with slurred speach and little consideration to reality.)

Sanji: *collapses on bar*

Zoro: Wake up, moron!

Sanji: I'm Sleeping Ugly. *pucker*

Zoro: HAHAHAHAHA!

Sanji: "Agh! She's got a moustache. Oh, wait. It's just a caterpillar." "Well, tear it off then."

Zoro: Who are you talking to?

Sanji: *pretends to rip off moustache* AAAHH!

Zoro: "Nope, it was a moustache."

Sanji: How long was Sleeping beauty asleep for?

Zoro: I dunno. Like, a hundred years or somethin'.

Sanji: And the dwarves were about three hundred back then, so they'd be...

Zoro: Four hundred.

Sanji: Old farts.

Zoro: "Actually, they're dead, sir."

Sanji: Haha! Probably. Stupid dwarves.

Zoro: Wait. What dwarves are we talking about here?

Sanji: The dwarves! You know... Sleeping Beauty and uh... and the Seven Dwarves.

…

Zoro: BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! THAT'S NOT HOW IT WENT, YOU IDIOT!

Sanji: So who was the bird with the dwarves?

Zoro: Snow White!

Sanji: What was Sleeping Beauty then?

Zoro: She stabbed herself on a wheel, and everyone in the castle fell asleep. Then, Prince Charming came along, gave her a kiss, and they lived happily ever after.

Sanji: How can you stab yourself on a wheel? It's round!

Zoro: ...It was a pointy wheel.

Sanji: You're making this up!

Zoro: Every word of it is true!

Sanji: So, she was over a hundred when the prince dude rocked up.

Zoro: Yep.

Sanji: How old was he? Like, our age?

Zoro: ...Yeah. That's sick!

Sanji: Did he know that she fell asleep 'coz she stabbed herself on a round object like a genuine doof?

Zoro: No, he was a necrophiliac.

Sanji: Who liked old ladies.

Zoro: Exactly. Now you're getting it.

**Me: Help me out here.**

**James: No.**

**Me: But you're the one who started this!**

**James: I can't just do it on command! It's an art.**

Zoro: Okay, so here's one. Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. Jack fell down and bumped his head, and Jill toppled on after him.

Sanji: Your point?

Zoro: "Fell," or "were pushed?"

Sanji: If you're going to think that, you probably think Humpty Dumpty was pushed, too.

Zoro: You're one to talk. Sleeping Beauty and the Seven Dwarves...

Sanji: I read a story once. The step-mother was a were-wolf, so the kids ran away with their pet mouse.

Zoro: How'd it end.

Sanji: They all died.

Zoro: You sure that was a real thing? I've never heard of it.

Sanji: Do you believe in were-wolves?

Zoro: Don't be stupid! Everyone know they don't exist. If they did, we'd have no safety between them and the vampires.

Sanji: Okay, so you believe in vampires?

Zoro: Duh!

Sanji: Now who's being stupid?

Zoro: Dracula was real! He at least was a vampire.

Sanji: I met a guy once who looked like a were-wolf.

Zoro: Are you sure he wasn't just really hairy?

Sanji: He had claws, man!

Zoro: Next you'll be telling me you believe in unicorns.

Sanji: …

Zoro: YOU BELIEVE IN UNICORNS!

Sanji: Shut up!

Zoro: BAHAHAHAHAHA!

Sanji: *sigh* Nami's my princess.

Zoro: Anything with boobs is your princess.

Sanji: What I'd give to be her Prince Charming.

Zoro: ...Well?

Sanji: Well, what?

Zoro: Well, what would you give?

Sanji: Oh! Well, I uh... Lots!

Zoro: Lots of what?

Sanji: ...Love?

Zoro: Good call. Chicks like sappy crap like that.

Sanji: So, you agree?

Zoro: With what?

Sanji: I don't know anymore. Something about Nami?

Zoro: You were saying how she was a unicorn.

Sanji: Oh, yeah! 'Coz she's, like, magical and stuff.

Zoro: I have no interest in women.

Sanji: 'Coz you're gay?

Zoro: NO!

**Me: NO!**

Sanji: You know who's gay? That bunyip dude.

Zoro: Stop making things up!

Sanji: It's a real thing! It's this water spirit thingy.

Zoro: Where from?

Sanji: Australia.

Zoro: STOP MAKING THINGS UP!

Sanji: IT'S A REAL PLACE, YOU STUPID JERK!

Zoro: And this supposed water spirit is homosexual.

Sanji: No, he's just gay.

Zoro: What do you think homosexual means?

Sanji: It's just the way he goes around. It... It's just gay!

Zoro: You know who's really gay?

Sanji: Who?

Zoro: Those dwarves.

Sanji: Sleeping Beauty's dwarves or Snow White's dwarves?

Zoro: Sleeping Beauty never had dwarves!

Sanji: Are you sure?

Zoro: I swear it.

Sanji: Hold on, didn't Sleeping Beauty end up with that beast guy who had the talking candlestick and clock?

Zoro: *slams face on bar*

Sanji: Zoro?

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><p><strong>Inspired by a true story. ...I'm not joking. We weren't drunk, though. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing.<strong>

**It was just going to be a oneshot, but I'll add more chapters if I can think of any more topics for them to discuss over a drink.**


	2. Minecraft

**Drinks in hand, the boys play with that same overrated fad that caused me to waste away my afternoon.**

**They're in separate worlds, just to clarify.**

* * *

><p><span>Zoro and Sanji Go Drinking<span>

Minecraft

Zoro: I built the awesomest house.

Sanji: Says you.

Zoro: But I lost it.

Sanji: How can you lose a house?

Zoro: I found the cavern, went through, chased some sheep, and now I don't know how to get back.

Sanji: I have seven houses.

Zoro: They're all hidden under waterfalls and junk!

Sanji: Iz stylin'!

Zoro: I'm going to explore.

Sanji: *click click click click click click click click click * I just mined cobblestone with my fist.

Zoro: Are there NPCs in this?

Sanji: I think so. In villages and stuff.

Zoro: Ugh! There's nothing anywhere!

Sanji: The world _is_ infinite. GAH! Oh, it's just a pig.

Half an hour later...

Zoro: I STILL HAVEN'T FOUND ANYTHING!

Sanji: Hehe. I screwed up the currents.

Zoro: *gasp*

Sanji: What?

Zoro: Zoro might have just found the first signs of civilization.

Sanji: 'Kay.

Zoro: It looks like a crate... with a really scary face.

Sanji: What?

Zoro: It's staring into my soul...

Sanji: Smash it.

Zoro: Wait a second. It's a pumpkin. … Sweet! A pumpkin! This is my first encounter with a punkim.

Sanji: Punkim?

Zoro: Pumpkin. *shifty eyes* I meant pumpkin.

Sanji: No, you stupid boat! Get back here!

Zoro: Did your boat run away from you?

Sanji: YOU'LL RUE THE DAY YOU EVER BETRAYED ME, BOAT! Ooh! Sheep.

Zoro: I'm lonely. Where are the NPCs you were on about?

Sanji: Baa baa dead sheep. POW!

Zoro: Pop goes the sheep.

Sanji: What?

Zoro: Like pop goes the weasel, but it's pop goes the sheep.

Sanji: Stop trying to be funny, Zoro. Go clean your swords or something.

Zoro: I CAN'T! THIS GAME IS ANNOYING ME TOO MUCH!

Sanji: Cow go moo.

Zoro: How many drinks have you had?

Sanji: Nyooooooooooooo. Pyoo! Pyoo! Pyoo pyoo pyoo! AHHHH WE'RE GONNA CRASH!

Zoro: Ah! I fell in a hole. Stupid hole! I'll tear you a new one!

Sanji: New one what?

Zoro: Shut up, Sanji!

Sanji: :(

Zoro: Daylight. AAHHH! I fell in another hole!

…

…

…

…

Sanji: I am to metaphor cheese as metaphor cheese is to transitive verb crackers.

Zoro: What?

Sanji: It's from Phineas and Ferb.

Zoro: The lone adventurer goes hunting for sheep, hoping for a piece of wool. He has no success. He found a chicken.

Sanji: I thought the lone adventurer was in a hole.

Zoro: Hey, is that bamboo? Sanji, I think I found bamboo! Wait, no. It's a cow.

Sanji: #I have gunpowder#

Zoro: YES! YES! I KNOW THIS PLACE! Just through here is... the ocean. I found the ocean. I thought I was home.

Sanji: What can I do with cactu-bamboo?

Zoro: Cactu-bamboo.

Sanji: I meant bamboo.

Zoro: But you said cactu-bamboo.

Sanji: I accidentally almost said cactus! What of it?

Zoro: I found wool, which is why I set out on this quest, but I still don't know how to get back, and now I think I'm going to have a little cry.

Sanji: Poor Zoro. All your fancy sword dricks- tricks. Fancy sword tricks were no use. WHO SAID THAT?

Zoro: BAH! IT'S RAINING SHEEP!

Sanji: WHAT?

Zoro: A sheep just fell from the sky!

Sanji: Why do I have a rose? Oh, well. It's all good.

Zoro: Okay, now I'm in a part desert part forest and it's FREAKING ME OUT!

Sanji: I'm getting a cramp from holding down the W key.

MOO!

Sanji: Nice udder.

Zoro: That scared me.

Sanji: It is a scary quadroped.

Zoro: …

Sanji: It has four legs.

Zoro: DID I ASK FOR AN EXPLAINATION?

Sanji: #Oh, Xmas tree. Oh, Xmas tree. Ba doobi dooba doobi.# I think I'm drowning.

Zoro: HAHAHAHAHA!

Sanji: Are you laughing at my singing?

Zoro: I think I need to HOTCHAWTCHAW make some torches.

Sanji: I need to go get some supplies, but then I need to go out into the world.

Zoro: Not really, Sanji. You're still sitting at the computer.

Sanji: Minecraft world. It's the same as the real world. I get a finger cramp.

Zoro: I want to follow that sheep, but that's how I lost my house in the first place. It lured me away like Alice in Wonderland.

Sanji: I don't understand.

Zoro: You don't have to understand everything.

Sanji: It'd be nice.

Zoro: Well, that wasn't what I meant to do.

Sanji: What?

Zoro: I've become everything I hated.

Sanji: ...'Kay. Gosh! It's impossible to work with sand!

Zoro: So don't. Gosh!

Sanji: Gosh!

Zoro: Great! Now I forgot what I was doing!

Sanji: ...Zoro.

Zoro: What?

Sanji: I lost my house.

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><p><strong>James: Stop making a profit off my words!<strong>

**Me: No one pays me to write fanfic.**

**James: #Ba doobi dooba doobi.#**

**Me: Most of this is our conversation, word for word.**


	3. Chairs

**A certain someone said I could use a conversation of theirs... HOW FOOLISH! Thank you, randomosity for even reading my drivel. I was going online to research something TERRIBLY IMPORTANT (which I have now forgotten) for my book, and I saw your review. So, instead of doing real work, I'm writing this for you.**

Zoro and Sanji Go Drinking

Chairs

Zoro: OMG A CHAIR! *sits on a chair*

Sanji: OMG ANOTHER CHAIR! *sits on the other chair*

Bartender (thinking): Those were the same chairs they were sitting on two minutes ago. Are they really that drunk, or are they just insane?

Sanji: Hey, when you think about it, chairs are kind of like animals.

Zoro: I'VE GOT FIVE-HUNDRED BERRIES THAT SAYS THEY AIN'T!

Sanji: No, just hear me out! 'Coz chairs have four legs, right?

Zoro: Right...

Sanji: And, like, most animals or whatever have four legs, right?

Zoro: Right...

Sanji: …

Zoro: And?

Sanji: That's it.

Zoro: You're drunk. And stupid.

Sanji: And the pot calls the kettle black.

Zoro: I never understood that. I mean, what if the pot isn't black? What if it's silver? Or if the kettle's silver?

Sanji: Well, if the pot calls the kettle black, and the kettle's silver, then I guess the pot's a liar.

Zoro: Damn pots.

Sanji: You can't trust 'em for crap. My mum used to have a blue pot.

Zoro: What's that got to do with anything?

Sanji: I thought we were talking about the colours of pots.

Zoro: We were talking about how pots are liars.

Sanji: Oh, yeah... My mum's blue pot was probably a liar.

Zoro: What do you mean, "probably?"

Sanji: Well, it's not like it ever spoke to me.

Zoro: My mum used to tell me the cookie jar was watching me, and it would tell her when I had been stealing cookies.

Sanji: Was that true?

Zoro: I don't know, but she definitely had some way of finding out. They say mums have eyes in the back of their heads.

Sanji: What good does that do?

Zoro: So she can see what you're doing while her back's turned.

Sanji: Yeah, but wouldn't her hair get in the way. I mean, it's getting in the way of us seeing her eyes, so her eyes shouldn't be able to see us.

Zoro: I guess your right. It must only work if she's bald.

Sanji: Is your mum bald?

Zoro: Of course not. Your's?

Sanji: No. That'd be weird.

Zoro: Hair's weird.

Sanji: Yeah... How so?

Zoro: Just the way it feels... and... keeps growing...

Sanji: It doesn't cost anything to make. If we could figure out a way of being able to eat hair, we could solve world hunger.

Zoro: And then kill the bald people.

Sanji: Well, they'd just be taking up space anyway.

Zoro: I reckon.

Sanji: We should do it.

Zoro: Do what?

Sanji: Go into researching this. We could be rich!

Zoro: With you? I think I'd rather glass myself in the eye. Besides, it'd probably be a lot of effort.

Sanji: You're right... How did we even get on this subject?

Zoro: I don't know. You called me a pot or something.

Sanji: Oh, yeah... How are you a pot?

Zoro: How the hell should I know?

Sanji: Pots are liars, you know.

Zoro: Especially blue ones.

**Okay. That was fun. I literally spat that out in about ten minutes without thinking, but it was fun. I even managed to throw in some of my own real-life conversations. (Guess which ones...)**


End file.
